October 13, 2010

The Wheatgrass Preacher

Today I went to a natural foods co-op juice bar (different from the one where I used to work). As I was picking out my iced tea in the store's beverage cooler, I heard the phrases "cleans you out" and "so good for you" coming from behind me, followed by some disinterested "yep"s and "uh-huh"s. I immediately knew what was going on. I closed my eyes, turned and looked. And sure enough - a wheatgrass preacher, with an unsuspecting victim in her grasp.

Wheatgrass preachers are a strange breed of customer. They usually appear out of nowhere one day, confidently sauntering up to the barista to ask for a shot of wheatgrass, REALLY LOUDLY, so everyone around them can hear. They often whistle or sing to themselves and act friendly - in a creepy, born-again, cult-y way. While the barista is completing the arduous task of preparing the wheatgrass shot (which is extremely tedious and labor intensive and looks like this), the wheatgrass preacher will take the opportunity to educate whoever happens to be in a 20-foot radius about what they perceive to be the many benefits of drinking wheatgrass juice. For example:
  • It's good for you. 
  • No, it's really, really good for you. 
  • It removes toxins from your body.
  • It helps heal your liver.
  • It's good for your skin.
  • It tastes a little weird, but it's worth it!
  • It "cures" cancer, emphysema, dengue fever, a cold - or whatever ails you.
After a wheatgrass preacher has announced to an uncaring audience his or her intentions of drinking a wheatgrass shot, they will get all worked up when they see the first drop of juice come out of the juicer. "Oh, here it comes!" "It's gonna be so good!" they yell. They hover around the machine, like a cat waiting for you to finish opening a can of tuna. They'll then either slam it back like it's a shot of Jag, or they'll savor it and slosh it around in the little Dixie cup like brandy in a snifter. If you've ever been around one of these WPs, you're probably wondering what all the fuss is about and you might be curious to try this miracle juice the next time you're at the juice bar.But before you drink, heed the advice of someone who's served (and drank) her fair share of green nectar. Here's what the wheatgrass preacher won't tell you:
  • "Cleans your system out" is code for "make you poop."
  • It's going to "clean you out" almost immediately and maybe make you throw up - quite possibly at the same time. (I'd probably rather just have a bad cold for two days than poop and throw up at the same time.)
  • The faster you slam it, the faster you're probably going to have explosive diarrhea. So slow down there, cowboy!
  • It smells and tastes like if you laid face-down in your yard immediately after mowing it. A squeeze of lemon juice makes all the difference, though.
  • Your teeth, lips and tongue will be all green after you drink it, and it looks really creepy. Don't smile at your barista.
  • It is good for you. It probably won't change your life, but you'll probably feel a little more energetic for about a day. 

1 comment:

  1. "It smells and tastes like if you laid face-down in your yard immediately after mowing it."